Tuesday, March 27, 2012

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

   You may not have connected the two events, but the world is supposed to end this year, right? So, what better way to die than at the hands of the undead?

   Because I think it would be very scary if all of you turned into hungry members of the walking dead, I've compiled a list of the top ten rules for surviving the zombie apocalypse.*

   Rule #1: Cardio. Work out. Get fit. Tummy fat will only encumber you on the race to save your life. Plus, it hardly ever hurts to lean up.
   Rule #2: Seatbelts. Catapulting out of your car and into the arms of a waiting zombie who is eager to slurp out your brains is not exactly a magnanimous way to die.
   Rule #3: Beware of bathrooms. This actually applies to any small space. Also, movie theaters. That's a scarily cramped space, and not easily escapable. Choose wisely.
   Rule #4: Doubletap. Zombies are resilient (not to mention persistent) little beasts. Bash their heads in twice, stab them twice, shoot them twice, whatever you prefer. Just kill them twice, okay?
   Rule #5: No attachments. If you've got family, it will be best for you to split up. That way, you don't do anything rash to save other people. Plus, you probably don't want to see your loved ones be devoured, do you?
   Rule #6: Travel in a group. This, of course, means "a group of people you don't care about" (see Rule #5). It's an added bonus if a couple of the other members are a little slower than you are. It will give the zombies more succulent choices for their daily Yummy Brains NomNomNom.
   Rule #7: Know your way out! This one is huge. There is nothing worse than a poorly planned escape. Scope out the exits as soon as you get in (safe).
   Rule #8: Limber up. Straining a muscle isn't cool, okay? Stretch it out a little-it may save your life.
   Rule #9: Check the back seat. Paranoia is your friend. A hungry zombie may otherwise lie in wait....
   Rule #10: Blend in. If you're squeamish beyond the point of redemption or are afflicted with annoying health conditions, you probably shouldn't be on the run. Zombies are carnivorous, but they aren't cannibals. Act like a zombie, and you won't get eaten, but be careful-you may get shot, like poor Bill Murray here.